How would you like to go out, Sir/Madam? A bullet? Or cancer? A quick lights-out? Or a slow, lingering death where you might just have a chance to put off the inevitable for a bit longer? With our Slow Plan, the contender in the red corner, you get to see one more beautiful sunset (courtesy of Eyjafjallajokull). And you get time to say goodbye to the wife/hubby and kids/pets. That’s if the stress hasn’t already made you take an axe to each other.

With our Fast Plan, the chap in the blue tie, you get to see the end of life as we know it in this part of the solar system. Just imagine: you get to witness the Apocalypse, complete with bells and whistles, four horsemen, famine, disease, pestilence and our old favourite, war, all at once. And just for you, we’ll throw in torture, riots and climate disaster. We spare no expense in making this a spectacular experience that only seven billion people in the whole of world history get to see.

Surplus to requirements, that’s what you are. By some 80 per cent, according to certain environmentalists of the Zac Goldsmith persuasion. How many times have you heard the lament that we are overpopulated? That’s not Them abroad out there. It’s right here on our own doorstep. But fear not: we have several tried-and-trusted methods to rectify this temporary imbalance in the global population.

We have several interesting wars going on in various exotic locations, due in part to His Magnificence, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair (now worth a mouth-watering £120 million – suck on that, you green-eyed plebs). These provide useful laboratory conditions for testing exciting new military innovations such as organic compound*-eating combat robots and See-Shoot automated kill zones.

Elsewhere, some fascinating new viruses are shaping up nicely to take out great chunks of excess humanity.

So as we shear off, we wave buh-bye to those of you without the golden ticket to the ranks of the super-rich. Why do you think so many politicians are scrambling to get aboard? They know what’s coming down the pipeline.

We’re off to our arks and bunkers and islands. Lord Ashcroft, Sir Rich Branson… very popular chaps, you know. And we did warn you: whoever you voted for, the government was always going to get in.

*that’s flesh, to you and me

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