Break the addiction
The world is transfixed in a state of gaping wonder at President Bush’s recent pronouncements regarding the need to break the US’s ‘oil addiction’. While many wonder whether there is any real action-plan behind the statement, others have been brainstorming proposals to break our crippling addiction to the black stuff.
*Seriously* suggests that as the US Government has dealt with other addictive substances with a ‘War on Drugs’ (ostensibly aimed at destroying drug cartels in Latin America and Asia), similar tactics should be employed in the case of oil cartels.
Exxon and Shell have reported record-breaking profits as the price of a ‘fix’ of gasoline continues to rise; the time is ripe for a full-deployment of CIA operatives to infiltrate these drug lords and expose their shady dealings. Hit squads should be sent in to root out the oil paramilitaries operating in regions of the Niger Delta and the rainforests of Central America. Crop-dusting planes should be retrofitted with new anti-petroleum agents that would sterilize the oil fields, and manufacturing plants and refineries should be bombarded or dismantled outright.
‘Raves’ whereby owners of gas-guzzling SUVs get together to freebase on petroleum and do ‘wheelies’ over wilderness should be ruthlessly shut down and the organizers locked-up. Traffickers and dealers such as those found in the commodities exchanges of the world’s financial centres should be incarcerated without hope of parole, while zero tolerance should be afforded to ordinary users and addicts in their sentencing hearings. Routine oil testing should be mandatory for all Government jobs and in public schools and drive-through cinemas.
Lastly, the Government may find it necessary to strike special deals with members of family syndicates. The President should consider taking advantage of any amnesty offered when asked about the Bush oil dynasty, which may require him to live out the rest of his life in a quiet suburb in Montana working as a pizza delivery guy under a false identity.
Well, one can only hope...