The feral rich - how can we help them?

1. Gang Culture

Break up their vicious, criminal gangs by arresting the ringleaders and locking them up.

2. Parenting

Provide parenting classes to teach social values and respect for others that they can pass on to their children.

3. Housing

Move them out of overvalued ghettos in the centres of the world’s capitals. Turn over the properties that they own, but barely occupy, to public use and social housing.

4. Crime and rehab

Crack down on repeat climate-crime offenders by confiscating their luxury cars and private jets. Rehabilitate persistent offenders by teaching them how to walk and use public transport.

5. Employment

Wean the work-shy off the benefits of unearned profit. Break trust-fund dependence. Get undeserving recipients on to work experience schemes.

6. Anti-social behaviour

Use ‘tough love’ to deal with those who engage in risky behaviour; who gamble, cheat and deceive, and then expect the public to bail them out of trouble. Ground them, tag them and ban them from using the internet to vandalize the global economy.

7. Profligacy

Target contraception towards problem families with morbidly obese carbon footprints fuelled by irresponsible lifestyles.

8. Vandalism

Get them to clean up after themselves.

9. Social conscience

Teach them to start paying their own way. Lesson No 1: Pay your tax.

10. Restorative justice

Get overpaid execs who helped themselves to bonuses from bailed-out banks and businesses to face the victims of their crimes and repay the money they owe.

This feature was published in the January 2013 issue of New Internationalist. To read more, buy this issue or subscribe.