New Internationalist

Pravda’s beef with vegetarianism

Issue 409

The glory days of Pravda – the infamous propaganda rag of the USSR’s Communist Party – are long since gone. But even though the newspaper officially came to an end in 1991, in true communist fashion, a number of splinter groups emerged proclaiming to be the one true Pravda. This includes the internet outfit over at pravda.ru, which is run by former Pravda employees who still fume over the ‘Greek swindlers’ who run that other Pravda.

Freed from the shackles of Soviet censorship, the group has fully embraced the Western media model and is now free to give the proletariat the real hard-hitting news that they were, for so long, denied: celebrity gossip, sensationalist appeals to national pride and thoughtful and informative columns such as ‘funny strange bizarre and sex news stories’. But the staff at Seriously – being the deeply serious people that we are – prefer to read Pravda’s rigorous scientific analysis such as their recent exposé on the dangers of vegetarianism. Here are Pravda’s (which means ‘The Truth’ in Russian) penetrating insights:

‘Vegetarians can be referred to as true fanatics. On the other hand, they are seriously misled in their beliefs. Practically nobody argues with them, since it is really difficult to convince a vegetarian of his or her self-deception. Maybe that is the reason why the vegetarian movement develops so actively around the globe and continues to recruit many new members.’ Look out Tom Cruise, here come the Vegetologists!

‘Furthermore, cosmetologists say that a typical vegetarian has dry and fragile hair, dull eyes and unhealthy complexion. They can hardly stand criticism and have a low boiling point. They raise their voice, swing their arms and splutter when arguing.’ Yes, it’s true that vegetarians boil at lower temperatures, but the spluttering only happens when shallow frying on a high heat and that can be easily solved by judicious use of a lid. Deep-frying avoids this problem altogether.

Thanks to our comrades at Pravda for keeping the flame of independent and carnivorous journalism alive. We salute you!

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