New Internationalist

Coldplay coup

Issue 389

The Guardian newspaper recently reported that Coldplay lead-singer Chris Martin had come out in support of UK Conservative party leader David Cameron. ‘Dave really cares about the things I care about,’ Martin was quoted as saying. ‘It was the wind generator on his roof that clinched it,’ Martin added. ‘I realised that whatever Labour said about Kyoto, you were never going to see a windmill on the roof of No 10. Dave’s given me an absolute assurance that he’s committed to saving the planet.’

Of course, one only needed to note that the article appeared in the 1 April edition of the newspaper to know this was a joke. The trouble with the joke was that nearly everyone Seriously has spoken to believed it was real.

Some are still holding out too.

‘Of course he’s supporting the Tories! He and David Cameron dress alike, both like to talk long into the night about bicycle gear, and both have a mean falsetto,’ said one holdout. ‘The joke might be that it isn’t a joke after all. Those folks at The Guardian are sneaky that way,’ said another.

As if to confirm their suspicions, one alleged associate of Martin’s admitted recently: ‘Chris’ll come out of the closet eventually.’

With recent news that editor of The Ecologist magazine, Zac Goldsmith, is serving as advisor to the Tory leader on environmental policy, it is hardly surprising that Cameron would seek to round out his shadow cabinet by appointing Martin to serve as special advisor on, err… something. ‘He’s good at naming kids. That could be handy for a Conservative Government seeking to assimilate foreign elements into our fine British culture,’ Cameron is alleged to have said when pressed. ‘He likes mango trees too. He’s got 50,000 of them in India. I love mangos!’

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