New Internationalist

Animal plights

Issue 388

The recent anti-animal-rights demo in Seriously’s home town of Oxford has us feeling all warm and fuzzy. Thanks to the brave efforts of a ragtag coalition of élite chemistry and biology majors from Oxford and Cambridge – two universities long known as hotbeds of radicalism and dissent – ‘science has been saved’. Phew! Now Oxford University can count on its Red Army of molecular engineers and DNA splicers to defend at all costs its plans to build a primate torture research laboratory.

Thankfully, members of Pro-test, or the Red Guardians of Science as they have come to be known by their comrades in ‘life sciences’ departments across the country, did not resort to emotional blackmail and other ‘moral’ arguments that those counter-revolutionary animal rights activists make liberal use of regularly. ‘We will prevail because we do not pull on the heart strings of the public, but rely on calm reasoned argument,’ said one of the Guardians as she pushed the wheelchair of a young girl suffering a debilitating disease and holding a banner that read: ‘Animal Testing Saves Children’s Lives!’

Now scientists can carry on with life-saving work such as their recent successes in figuring out how to control the minds of sharks for use in military espionage, testing the effects of oven cleaner on various animals’ eyeballs, and splicing ear and prostate genes into mice. ‘Cool, huh!?’ said one immunology major specializing in biological warfare.

Animal rights activists were also accused of ‘terrorism of the mind’ when leaflets were handed quoting rogue scientists such as Ray Greek, Medical Director of Europeans for Medical Advancement, who shouted such counter-revolutionary propaganda as: ‘The track record of primate research is abysmal. The abandonment of animal models is absolutely vital for medicine to advance.’ Thankfully, the media have done a brilliant job of ignoring such poppycock and focusing on the corpse-stealing, car-burning mega-extremism of a handful of lunatic animal rights jihadis instead. Let the march of progress sweep all in its path – and bring back fox-hunting while we’re at it.

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